my cheat days are incredible
You know those pics that go around, where it’s an image of Gandalf with a quote from Dumbledore accredited to Yoda? Well…
there’s been this incessant whining/crying of a dog going on in my part of the neighborhood the past month it seems…even moreso, when it’s been quite unusually cold in my part of Texas…sometimes getting into freezing levels.
I was irritated at first…then it got more frequent and wasn’t just at nighttime when this dog would start crying/wailing.
I was getting pissed, quite frankly…”I need to get some sleep, dammitt.”
then today…it happened….I met the culprit I’d been cursing at every moment he let out his sad howls….
…and I instantly felt two inches tall.
this adorable pit bull mix shyly stumbled over to our fenceline towards me as I went to say my daily goodbye to my dad as I left for work.
he’s mostly black/dark grey with a very cute middle splotch/streak of white that seems to run down the center of his face…his uncut ears are semi-folded at the tips…a weird, yet adorable, look for a dog of it’s kind.
"hey…hey guy…", I said….and God….instantly I wanted to take back every single bad thing I’d been saying about this poor animal’s cries.
he was still unsure of what to think of me…he hid behind one of the many boxes of trash my neighbor’s have surrounded their backyard with….it used to be a nice backyard lawn that would make a golfer salivate…very well kept at one point….nowadays, not so much….holes where previous dogs have dug surround the now dirt farm it has become…and said holes are often filled with beer cans and trash that are leftovers from the almost weekly parties.
funny how the head of a family of possibly children and who-knows-how-many-other-relatives-they-have-living-in-that-damn-house can have it’s water turned off on a Friday morning, yet, still manage to throw a fricking beer bash/cookout almost every weekend…good job on priorities…good job.
he slowly crept his way to me…head down…tail between his legs…but his eyes never left mine…he stared right at me….
I put my hand thru the fencing and he came to it and lick my fingers…his tail wagged slowly…then it sped up to the pace of a rabbit on speed.
“Goddammitt…..”, I thought….”I…I fucking suck.”
my dad came over to say our goodbyes and I said how cute the pup was…he agreed with me and I said how shitty I felt now…I explained why and he agreed with me again that this animal deserved better…much better than what it was getting now.
he continued to lick my fingers…enjoying the attention he was getting…wagging his tail furiously whist rubbing himself along the fencing as if to see if he could push his way thru it to get on my side of it.
he looked happy…..overjoyed.
the last dog I owned was put down due to his seizures…they were becoming more and more frequent and my father had taken him to the vet….the vet said he wouldn’t last another week, if he did….as hard as it was, he made the decision to put him down there….my mother was shocked at his decision, but also realized she probably wouldn’t be able to handle it emotionally if she had to be the one who’d found him dead in the backyard.
I never even got to see him one last time.
on my keys that I carry, I have this one long chain that had at one time been my late boxer’s collar….when he passed, I made it a point to never go anywhere without it…there are even some rather embarrassing pictures of myself wearing it as a necklace….he wasn’t a huge dog, but oddly enough, our necks were about the same.
(hey, we all go thru those phases, ok?….at the time, I was away at college in a whole new part of Texas to me and I was trying hard as hell to be goth/punk/hardcore and sadly failing at ALL OF THEM….don’t judge me.)
I thought about the pup all day…even thinking about approaching my neighbor (if he’s ever home and NOT high and/or drunk) and asking if I could buy the dog.
I’m still considering it.
right now, it’s quiet outside…probably because the pup isn’t shivering from the cold like he was the past few nights.
but it’ll get down to freezing again…soon….
I can’t let that pup freeze….I can’t.
I know people say you shouldn’t get a pet until you’re over the experience of one that has passed away….
well….that’s never going to happen…I believe that you never really get over things: you just get better at dealing with them.
maybe I’d just be filling that void…maybe I just want something to feel love from….completely unconditional.
maybe I just don’t want this pup to wind up like the others they’ve had before: lost…dead…or possibly worse.
it’s still quiet.
he hasn’t wailed or howled once tonight.
but I am….crying.
I rarely post anything that’s near self-promotion but if any of you all can help me out, I’d greatly appreciate it.
hey facebook…this is what I think of your “See Your 2013 Year in Review
Look back at your 20 biggest moments from the past year.”
I started walking back in October 25th with the goal of just being able to say I was somewhat more active than I had been this year.
I haven’t taken one day off/rest day.
I started the month of November with the goal of walking 60 miles…I figured walking at least 2 miles a day would be sufficient to accomplish this.
Well, the month is over…and these are the results.
Kevin Steen wins the AAW Heavyweight Championship.
I love Steen.
whiskyjack asked: Sorry to put this on you but I have an honest question about depression an suicide. Isn't it completely possible for it to be a alternative for someone. Can't there be someone out there who genuinely is tired and doesn't want to continue. I know there is beauty and wonderful things in this world. There are things to look forward to. There will be more pain but also more laughter. But what if I'm not interested?
well… well first off, i’d say, seek professional help immediately. because i am wildly unqualified to answer your question with anything but experience. and first off, my experience says, if you are in such a deep and dark place where you say things like this to total strangers on the internet, you need to be in contact with someone that can help you start to heal.
second, i’d say… you’re wrong. i’d say the things any of us don’t know, especially about tomorrow, could blanket every grain of sand on every beach of the world with bullshit. And to simply assume you are done tomorrow because you are done today is a mistake. a factual mistake, an error, a critical miscalculation.
i’d say, read Tad Friend’s piece JUMPERS in which he seeks and finds and talks to people that jumped off the Golden Gate Bridge — and lived. And they all say the same variations this: “I instantly realized that everything in my life that I’d thought was unfixable was totally fixable—except for having just jumped.”
And know that this piece has kept me in my seat on more than a couple dark nights.
And i’d say — i’d say i felt that way before too, and i was wrong.
And then i’d tell you something i don’t even think my wife knows. this happend years before we met — shit, more than a decade — and it’s not the first time i came close to suicide was on a thanksgiving night. i’d eaten well and then as the house shut down i went into the bathroom, drew a bath as hot as i could manage to stand, and climbed into the tub with a razor blade.
As i started to cut, as the corner touched my skin and that jolt of pain fired into my head, i stopped and thought — y’know, last chance. Are you SURE?
And i was tired. I sounded like you, that i knew there’d be ups again and downs but i was just so fucking TIRED i couldn’t stand the thought of having to get there. I felt this… this never-ending crush of days that were grey and tepid but for some reason i was supposed to greet each one with a smile. the constant pressure of having to keep my shit in all the time was just exhausting.
I wondered, then — well, is there anything you’re curious about. Anything you want to see play out. And i thought of a comic i was reading and i’d not figured out the end of the current storyline. And i realized I had curiosity. And that was the hook i’d hang my hat on. that by wanting to see how something played out I wasn’t really ready. That little sprout of a thing poking up through all that black earth kept me around a little longer.
I realized then that it had been so long since i’d laughed. I was numbed out and shut down and just… i missed laughing. maybe if i laughed a little i could get moving again. so i’d wait for my comic to conclude, try to find a few laughs, and then reevaluate.
So I’m in the bathtub and i got this real sharp-ass razor, right? And i look down and there’s all my bits floating in the water like they do and i thought okay, let’s get funny and i got to work.
I shaved off exactly half my pubic hair vertically. The end result was a ‘fro of pubes that looked like a Chia Pet that only half-worked. I started to laugh as I did it. And every time i’d piss, looking down made me laugh.
Because JESUS what a nightmare.
Shortly thereafter I got very heavily into Chuck Jones and Tex Avery. Way less chafing and way more funny.
jesus. i was still in high school at the time. dig if you will a picture of the chubby weirdo that was always giggling at his dick in the bathroom. that was me.
And then I guess I’d tell you about Dave, who did the same thing as me a few years later, only DIDN’T have my hilarious Chia Dick strategy in mind and got the razor in and up. And as he started to bleed out “Brown Eyed Girl” came on the radio and he realized he’d never get to hear that again so, in a bloody comedy of errors — I swear to god this is true — he got out of the tub, tried to get dressed the best he could, went downstairs calling for help only to find his family gone, went out to his car, and drove to doug’s house only to find doug not home and so, then, finally, he blacked out from blood loss sitting there in his car, playing a van morrison CD on repeat, until, by luck, Doug’s mom came home and found him.
Fucking Van Morrison, y’know?
A song, a comic, something dumb, something small. From that seed can come everything else, I swear to god.
I guess last I’d say… I’d say that, look — if you reached out to me for an answer, than I have to reach back out to you and insist you hear it. Because it means, what, you know me? My work? You read my stuff and thought, well, fuck, if anyone would know why I shouldn’t end my life, if anyone alive is QUALIFIED TO SAVE ME it’s the guy that had britney spears punch a bear? okay — okay, then, so as THAT GUY I’m saying: Get help. Now, today, tonight, whenever — get to a phone and find a doctor that can try to help you heal, that can try to recolorize your world again, that can help you start caring again. All you need is that one tiny thing, that speck, that little grain of sand. the World Series, AVENGERS 2, Tina Fey’s new show, the first issue of PRETTY DEADLY, some slice of the world you’ve never seen, some drink you love, who the fuck will love your dog like you do if you’re gone, what if jabrams KILLS it on the new STAR WARS, the hell are you doing for Halloween, you ever feed a dolphin with your bare hand? because i have and I am fucking telling you IT IS A THING TO EXPERIENCE and oh god WHAT FUCKING FONT WILL STARBUCKS USE ON THE CHRISTMAS DRINK SLEEVES THIS YEAR — i don’t care what or how dumb but i promise you somewhere in your life is that one fleck of dust that can help start you on the road back. That’s all it takes. One fucking mote, drifting through your head.
And because you asked me I am answering you because i know, motherfucker, i know, i know, i know the hole you are fucking in because I was there myself and if you look hard you can still see my writing on those walls and if you stare long enough i swear to god it’s pointing to up
thank you mattfractionblog